4th December 2010, age of 24...........

A cut in my heart that I'll never forget. I couldn't accept it, not now, and I don't know until when. It's still a shock to me. And of all the thoughts of getting ready for Spanish class. If it wasn't my bro who asked me to check out from mom. I wouldn't even thought of it.

I just woke up, getting ready to go for class. Right after shower, I saw 4 miss calls from my bro. Usually, I don't return his call, because he always asked me stupid questions. But then, I thought 4 miss calls might be a little bit too much. He's unsure about everything, and just asked me to call mom and ask why. So, I did.

I was scared. The first thing that cross my mind, I thought it was Lucky. I didn't have any mental preparation for it. Then, my mom was sobbing when I called, and she said dad fainted. It just had me right then. Trying to be calm, I asked her to call the ambulance, call my cousin bro and call my neighbour for help. I'll rush back.

I never heard my mom cry for a very long time. I just stunned there. I quickly ask my bro to drive back from Ipoh. And I'll pack and leave too.

At first, I wanted to wait for my cousin but he's in Malacca. So, I decided to drive back myself, eventhough my aunt tried to stop me. I know I wouldn't be of any help, but I just know I have to be here.

I keep on BBM-ing my cousin to update me the status but he keeps on avoiding my question. When I reached Tambun toll, I BBM him again. And he just asked me to come home first, because the rest is on their way. I asked him the status again. And he just said it's a bad news.

While I was driving, Mei Ping helped me to BBM him again. And he said my dad is gone..................................

It just struck me right then that I cannot accept this at all! I just went numb, I couldn't drive, and my car just stop in the middle of the road. And I cried, and cried, and cried............. I didn't even got to see him, nor talk to him.

Mei Ping tried to console me, that my mom needs me right now. I have to get home. So, I did.

When I reached my neighbourhood, I just drop the car and run in as fast as I could. I see all the white tents are up, my cousin bro is inside, but no one else. I cried even more. I demand to know the whole story. It's just too sudden!

Dad was just watching tv with mom, while playing with Guinness. And Guinness was kissing dad. Then, dad stretch himself and snored once. Mom still jokingly scolded him for falling to sleep so fast and wake him up. But he's not waking up. Mom felt something isn't right and quickly shake him up and hit his chest. He teared, but he's not waking up.

Mom didn't know what to do. She just asked the neighbour's help to call the ambulance, then he called my cousin to come over to help.

The ambulance reached 30 minutes later. 2 doctors said his heart beat stopped, but they will still try their best. They pump oxygen and did CPR all the way to the hospital. Reaches, 5-6 doctors and nurses helped. But it's still of no use. Dad just not waking up.

The doctor said they have to operate dad's body to find out the reason for him to faint. So, we agreed. After looking thoroughly, all his organs were fine. Very healthy! They now took some liquid from the brain to send over to KL for another checkup. This is another reason why I couldn't accept the fact that he leaves.

When mom and bro and Melissa reached home, all the funeral helpers came over to prepare our house for the ceremony. And as I saw dad inside, I can't help to control my tears.

All the questions flying to me, all the plans, and decisions. But I just said, "Not now. Settle this and we decide the rest later." I don't think I can think straight to make any rational decisions right now, maybe not in the following weeks, nor months. But definitely not now.

After the first prayers, and all my relatives arrived, from KL and Seremban. I realise I have a headache (slow). I can't sleep. I tried taking a few paracethamol, but it's not helping. When I'm not busy, I just cried (I think that's the reason why I'm having headache). I force myself to sleep with panadols. I did....... But I woke up at 3am. Then, I continue with the work to keep myself busy.

I want, but I'm scared to look at him again. So, I just stared blankly at the cover. I'm just afraid to look inside.

Everything changes now..... I always know there's always him around. I don't have to be worry about anything. I don't know anything about electric and electronic? I don't know anything about wood and architecture? I don't know anything about setting up or designs? Food, drinks, travel, studies, work, life?!? He knows everything. Networking is never a problem! All the way to politicians..........

Why him?!? And Mei Ping and was just discussing to ask him to bring us to eat the claypot crab fried rice with peking duck. Now I don't even know the way to get there.

And I still owe him a birthday pressie. I thought of getting him a blackberry when I'm coming back to Penang at the end of December. He just planned to go for a honeymoon with my mom to China on next year's April. I didn't say I'm not gonna sponsor also. I didn't know until today. When you just said it to mom 3 days ago.

You didn't even got to witness bro's wedding. Or having grandchildren calling you grandpa..... (Guinness is exceptional) Taking care of Guinness reminds you so much about taking care of me? Like mother, like son. He's my baby monster, what do you expect. And you're the one who decide to take him back to Penang.

You have 9 miss calls when I on your phone today. People keeps called asking about work. None of them can accept the fact that you're gone. Moreover, none of them can do whatever you're doing. Because you're handling so many projects and stuff at the same time!! When you should be retired!!!~ @_@

Guess what?!? I'm awake early, instead of coming home early. Surprise!!~ Now you got no reason to scold me.

I love you...........


*rachelle*